business email glossary

thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press “send”
thanks for your interest: why’d you have to bring this up
would you be so kind: fucking do it
best: i have never physically met you
all best: this conversation is over
all my best: i wish you would die
happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox
i hope this helps: i’ve done all i’m willing to do
i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you’re too lazy to
sorry to chase: answer my email
so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email
i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me
please contact my colleague: this isn’t my problem
i’m copying in my colleague: this isn’t my problem and i am thrilled about it
i’ll check and get back to you: i might forget to
i’ll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to
can you check back with me in a week?: i’m hoping you will forget to
per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone
great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone
thanks!: i’m not mad at you
thanks!!: please don’t be mad at me
thanks!!!: i’m crying at my desk
please advise: this might be your fault
kindly advise: this is entirely your fault
mind if i swing by?: i’m already in the elevator
can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email
sorry if that was unclear: i think you’re an idiot
let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again

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